put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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