apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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