I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
