i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
