Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
