he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
