apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
