Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize