Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
