I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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