yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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