yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
