I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
