do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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