bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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