I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
