Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
