Ambien. No doubt about it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
