it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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