we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
