He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
