you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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