my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
