I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
