yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
