life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
