I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
