Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
