listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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