I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
