Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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