I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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