sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
