just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
