what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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