And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
