Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
