I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
