when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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