Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
