This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
