so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
