I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
