i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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