The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
