I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
