I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
