I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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