Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
