That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Terrible idea I love it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
