I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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