I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.