I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
