Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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