and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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