Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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