just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
