dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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