Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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