should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
