Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
