I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
