After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Need sex. Gaining weight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
