it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
